Sunday, October 19, 2014
BREAKING EBOLA NEWS: GILLIGAN'S ISLAND BANS AIR TRAVEL FROM WEST AFRICA
[Radio Announcer]: We have been waiting over an hour for the scheduled address to the Nation by President Gilligan about the recent Panic and Hysteria by Loon Americans Over a Small Disease Known as Ebola. I suppose, for President Gilligan, it is easier to be prompt for a tee time than to address the Nation in a timely manner. While the Disease has a Fatality Rate that Is Exceeded by "Mad Cow Disease and Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (HIV/AIDS), President Gilligan has made it well known of his confidence in the Protocols established by the Island's Center for Disease Control (CDC) Under the leadership of the Professor Roy Hinkley, PH.D. Yet, there have been missteps, including Nurse Mary Ann Summers being diagnosed with Ebola, and calls by Republicans like Thurston Howell III to appoint a "Czar". We have been told by Island Insiders that a Cure would be found Immediately Upon Finding a Political Retread to Serve as a "Czar" that Coordinates the Truths Exposed by Medical Science with the Talking Points Orchestrated by the Gilligan Administration. We are getting word that the President is ready to address the Nation. We go to him now. We go to the Board Room of the Coco-Palms Hotel where President Gilligan has assembled his Kitchen Cabinet
[President Gilligan]: Manny the Latino are we ready? Good. Good. Hello everyone. As you can see, I have assembled my Kitchen Cabinet to address two matters. One, I was unable to get a Credit Card at Target recently because someone stole my identity. Now, I know that you the American people are more concerned with my well-being than your own. So, I ask that you be vigilant in helping us solve this matter. Wearing President Richard Milhouse Nixon masks, "four insane boys" entered a store in Harlem singing “Here we come/Walking down the street/Get the funniest looks from/Everyone we meet”. We are certainly not aware of whom they are and would not classify them as "singers". However, let me be clear, we will not rest until we find out the identities of the four and bring them to justice. We have, since establishing our first talking points, asked our Attorney General, Captain Jonas Grumby, better known as the Skipper, to investigate this matter and come back with a report after the Elections
[Attorney General Grumby]: Thank You Little Buddy!
[President Gilligan]: You're Welcome Skipper! You're a big man with a big head and...
[Attorney General Grumby]: Gilligan!
[President Gilligan]: And a big heart.
[Attorney General Grumby]: Oh, thank you.
[President Gilligan]: Now to a smaller matter that would not receive any attention if not for pesky Republicans like Senator Thurston Howell III's and Representative Eunice Wentworth "Lovey" Howell's fear mongering and intimating needless panic in the media. He won't own up to the fact that Republicans cut the budget causing Ebola to breakout in America. He refuses to admit that he is a racist either which may have something to do or not to do with the tragic outbreak of Ebola in America. Firstly, we ask that Americans pray, just not in schools or at football games, for the well-being of Nurse Mary Ann Summers. We pray that she is healed over time and able to return as a worker to the Island Hospital. Her illness has already been very costly to me and the Nation. I can not focus my attentions on golf and fundraising when workers breach imaginary protocols and then, with Professor Hinkley's permissions, travel by rickshaw around the Island. We are not blaming Mary Ann but, I don't have ebola. Just sayin'!
Skipper, are you asleep?
[Attorney General Grumby]: [sarcastically] Yes.
[President Gilligan]: Oh, well when you wake up will you tell me if you've seen my rabbit's foot? There has been some pressure to assign a Czar to coordinate internationally and nationally our resources and communications regarding our approaches to preventing, diagnosing, treating and monitoring Ebola. Let me be clear, We are certainly satisfied with the Professor's handling of this matter. He has certainly confused, disoriented and heightened concerns as few bureaucrats have. He is certainly the type of bureaucrat that makes this Island come to a screeching halt. We are proud of him and do not want to stand in his way.
[Professor Roy Hinkley, PH.D]: We have to rethink the way we address Ebola control.
[President Gilligan]: Gee whiz, Professor! We want the Professor to continue his unabridged focus on the Ebola crisis. Nothing like a crisis to keep your minds off of all the other stupid stuff my Administration has done. Sometimes, when you are focused on blaming an ill-prepared and ill-equipped nurse for the failures of an administration in handling a fatal illness, the message gets lost in translation. So, we have asked Ginger Grant to serve as our Czar. She has no experience with medicine besides occasional visits to the free clinic. She has served a lot of great men. As well, she enjoys leading from behind. I would like to intro...
[Professor Roy Hinkley, PH.D]: Essentially any hospital on the Island can safely take care of Ebola. You don't need a special hospital to do it.
[President Gilligan]: Gee whiz, Professor! I would like to introduce to some and present to others the beautiful and brilliant Ginger Grant.
[Attorney General Grumby]: Ginger, We've got a problem... We've got a real problem... Now you're a girl, right?
[Czar Ginger Grant]: Well, if you're not sure about that, you have got a problem! Mr. President, I learned a little Hawaiian when I was singing in a club in Waikiki. Wahine wiki huki luki nu, and every word of it comes from the bottom of my heart.
[President Gilligan]: Gee, that's real nice, Ginger. What does it mean?
[Czar Ginger Grant]: This bar is off limits to all military personnel.
[President Gilligan]: Ya, see! Ya, see! Quick-witted! Sharp! That's leadership at a time that we need it most. Finally, my administration turns its attentions to this call for a travel ban. In West Africa, Ebola is raging. Telling people to stay in West Africa and not travel is ludicrous. However, people on this Island must not travel because we we need to contain the disease. I know that this rationale does not make sense to those that possess common sense or are Republican. However, those people are racists and want to take us back to the days of slavery. Advanced cultures do not close their borders for anything. In fact, advanced cultures do what they can to invite those from geographies where there is a pandemic to their countries. We need to invite more individuals that have been in contact with persons with Ebola into our Island so that we can contain the disease and keep it from spreading.
[Professor Roy Hinkley, PH.D]: The CDC guidance in this setting outlines the need for what is called controlled movement. That can include a charter plane, a car, but it does not include public transport.
[President Gilligan]: Gee whiz, Professor! Would you please remain silent. Thank you! We are aware that Belize does not share our opinion and have asked a cruise ship not to dock in their port. But, that's because they are racist. We are aware that countries like Kenya, Cape Verde, Mauritius, Seychelles, Côte d'Ivoire, Southern African Development Community and other African Nations have restricted or banned travel from Sierra Leone, Guinea and Liberia. However, they are self-loathing nations and thus, should not be considered truly committed to spreading Ebola to all Nations. We are committed to redistributing health care to those that are diseased. However, how can we, as a great Island, heal people unless they first get sick. We will not consider a travel ban for the well-being of our citizens until my political well-being is at risk. Unlike those poor nations, we are a rich Island and can force people to pay higher taxes because I am willing to risk their lives on securing a crisis will make me look like I am on the right side of history.
[Professor Roy Hinkley, PH.D]: The bottom line here is that I have no doubt that we will control this importation, or this case, of Ebola so that it does not spread widely in this country.
[Czar Ginger Grant]: I can't make your weekend cabinet meeting. I won't be able to start until Monday. I know this is urgent but, when did your urgency become my emergency?
[Senator Thurston Howell III]: No one can pull the wool over my eyes. Cashmere maybe, but wool, never.
[President Gilligan]: Yeah, Gilligan's Island Is In Good Hands. Hmm, We have to rethink the way we address Ebola control.
THE EXCEPTIONAL CONSERVATIVE SHOW: THE EBOLA CHRONICLES